Sunday, September 14, 2014

The Struggle is Real

"How do you function throughout the day," my husband asked me yesterday. 

I work for an incredible cataract and Lasik surgeon and I'll be having a Lasik evaluation on Tuesday to see if I'm a candidate for laser eye correction. I was explaining to Nat a legitimate safety concern I've pondered for years. If someone in the "murda bizzness" came into our house while I was in the shower without my contacts in or my glasses on, should I be able to blindly fight them off and escape, I would be unable to identify them at a later date based on how visual impaired I am without helpful correction. 

Another scenario I am fully concerned about is in the event I find myself on a sinking cruise ship. I stand a better bet if the boat starts to go down and I'm in my glasses, as long as I don't loose them in rough seas than I do if I'm in my contacts. If I ended up stranded on a deserted island for more than a day or so with my lenses in, I'm at risk for that cornea eating amoeba everyones been so concerned about on social media these last few months; or I can take my lenses out and be disabled. The struggle is real.  I've also seen too many episodes of doomsday preppers and realise I would need to have numerous pairs of eyeglasses to bring with me should my lenses break.  You know, in battle.

I can't find my glasses unless I have them on. Settling in on the couch in the evening then realising I haven't taken my contacts out for the evening and having to go upstairs to take them out is far worse than it sounds. EVERY DAY.  If I decide to wear my glasses for the day, I need to literally be two inches away from the mirror to apply eye makeup. Mascara wands and eyeliner are longer than two inches. It's a logistical nightmare.

I've been told my corneas are not thick enough to undergo the procedure as I am so very nearsighted a lot of cornea would be needed. I sat in the lunch room last week discussing my scary scenarios with a cataract and glaucoma surgeon and two optometrists. One of my friends, who is also near sighted asked if it was possible if my corneas were too thin to get to 20/20 vision, if I could get the surgery to at least make me less nearsighted. All three doctors agreed that it is not something that is done because most people who get Lasik are so determined to be entirely out of glasses. 

After hearing my sad, sad tales of blurry woe, they understood my desire for visual improvement even if it wasn't perfection and all began to understand my predicament. So in answer to my husband's question, of how I function during the day? Not only do I function, I bring everyone else around me into my crazy blurry world. 

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Safari in...Vegas?

A few weeks ago, it was time for the annual Julie, Mel and April trip.  Not so long ago, we all lived in Maryland. But times have changed and they live in Florida and California respectively so the annual trip means we can pick any destination we want and meet there for a few days of fun. This makes the travel part all the more tedious as the fun doesn't really begin until we meet up. That doesn't mean it can't be entertaining...

This particular trip would be my first to the infamous Las Vegas, Nevada. How have I never been there?  As I daydreamed of our Trump Tower penthouse while in the security line at the airport, it occurred to me that I had not moved forward in an extended period of time. Suddenly, rationally irritated, I tuned in to what was happening ahead of me. A tragically uncool family of four was blocking my progress. A Mom wore a tan safari hat on a rope draped around her neck so the hat lay flat on her back just below her pony tail held by a scrunchie. She wore khaki shorts with a belt, a faded yellow t-shirt and wool, (WOOL! It's August. ) socks under hiking boots. The Dad figure, teenage son and preteen daughter wore the same uniform. The son sat crossed legged untying his boots while the daughter flailed about with her quart sized bag filled with tiny bottles each containing less than three ounces of liquid. They were in my way. They were also ridiculous. I switched lines and quickly forgot about them...

Until twenty minutes later, settled into my seat reading Cosmopolitan (who does that after the age of 21?!?! I was on vacation OK?) they sat down next to me. With all their boots and hats and in-appropriates. Is there a safari I don't know about in Vegas? I verified I was in fact in the correct place and assumed they would soon discover this flight was not going to .... Australia? Surely, they needed more sunblock than three ounces each as their skin tone was only a shade darker than Edward Cullen. 

I had forgotten about them once again, until the son walked past me on the plane to go to restroom. (Apparently, they were going to Vegas. In those clothes.)  Upon realising it was occupied, he uncertainly looked back at his Mom, unsure what to do. For a moment, I related to him. Once upon a time, I was that lanky, unsure, pale, teenager in thick glasses. (Did I even need to mention they all had matching circular spectacles?)

I couldn't be too concerned with the kids insecurities however because the guy next to me was either having a panic attack based on his heavy breathing and wiping his palms on his shorts, had turrets syndrome based on the noises escaping his mouth though he was obviously trying to suppress them, or was quite possibly possessed based on how far he could rapidly jerk his neck in one direction. Like seriously, almost backwards, owl-like. I felt like I should talk to him*, but I help people all day at work and since he mostly seemed to be hanging in there, I decided to see what Cosmo said about having the "Best Sex of your Life." Surely, after all these years they had something new I didn't know about. 

Having forgotten all about the khaki family once again after one magazine, one nap, and several Chapters of Cameron Diaz's "The Body Book" later, someone a few rows ahead asked a question. The flight attendant replied, "Peanuts? No, we won't be serving peanuts on todays flight. There's an allergy on board."

I think we all know who was responsible for said allergy.

Proper Vegas Attire

*I did in fact make friends with panicked, turrets, devil guy by the end of the flight. Turns out, he was reading Cameron from my kindle the whole time. He was a lovely individual and I hope he had a fantastic time in Vegas with his friends and enjoyed his shows!

**I also hope the Khaki family...survived.