Saturday, August 20, 2011

Why Dolly Parton is not to be trusted

Once upon a time back in the early 90's my parents decided to take us to the Smoky Mountains in Tennessee.  We did lots of things on this trip but I'm pretty sure the main event was going to Dollywood. I mean, my Mom likes Dolly Parton, but not base-a-whole-vacation-around-her "like" but I was young so it is the main part of what I remember of this trip.

Anyway, Dolly swears all the rides are kid friendly, and none are too scary but just right. You see where I'm going with this? La de da, carousel, ferris wheels, log flumes, and normal roller coasters. All good stuff. (Come to think of it, ferris wheels and log flumes have always quite terrified me if you want to know the truth. Your all NOT strapped in and flailing about. )

As I was trying to say. First roller coaster. Good stuff.  Second coaster....  Let me start by saying if I were to have a discussion with Dolly Parton in regard to the Death and Terror Coaster of Traumatic and Nightmarish Unfun Fear- the look on my face would look like this.

Everyone is so good with MS Paint Pics accurately describing event emotions. Maybe I'll go with this idea?

Dolly calls the coaster in question, Blazing Fury. It is an indoor ride in the dark that takes you through a burning town. Right? No, but what IS that? People are screaming and crying and cats are definitely dying and it's dark and creepy and NOT fun. So I'm sitting next to my big sister kind of in shock at what I'm seeing but mostly thinking, 'this is really weird' because I'm too young to realize it's actually really twisted when all of a sudden the train takes off  and it's pitch black and there is water spraying in our faces, but we can't see a thing and then we're falling, falling, falling, and again it's dark and I have no idea when it will end but it finally does and then I realize I was so scared I wasn't even breathing much less screaming and it turns out we supposedly just went over a waterfall...Right? WHY is there a waterfall in a burning town and why aren't the towns people putting out the fire with the water?

I regroup my ten year old brain around what just happened, but not for long because now there are fake people coming at the train crying for help and it's even more kinds of wrong when we begin to hear a loud whistle and a bright light starts barreling towards us except really it's the coaster picking up speed and the light is still and I really can't tell what's going on but then I realize it is a train coming right at us and just before we crash, the coaster takes another million second downward hill right under the light and it's pitch black and it seems like it's never going to end and finally it does and I'm thinking, "I really hope this is almost over."

Just when I lean over to tell Cheryl that I'd like to be done with this we are in peril again because we're barreling towards a brick wall that says something really helpful like "Danger." Fortunately, we narrowly avoid this method of death, but unfortunately it is by going under it just in time in another never ending blind downward mountain of terror.

And then it was over.  I was horrified. I couldn't wait to talk about just how horrific it was when Cheryl looks at me with a huge smile. "Wasn't that fun?"

What? No!

Was she out of her mind? Were we even on the same ride? Then my parents met up and they were all, "That was really neat. I've never been on a ride like that before!" All full of glee and giddy. I was still shaking in dismay of everything I'd seen and felt, but when they asked me, I was all...

Never better.  Never better. 

That was the end of that. For a few years anyway.  Believe it or not, we went back to Dollywood like three years later.

 I'd never expressed my negative feelings towards the Blazing Fury coaster and just hoped it would not be there again. But it was. And my silly family wanted to subject themselves to it again. Mom and Dad got on first. Off they went. I was starting to feel a little panicked. Cheryl and I got on and sat down. "Are you OK?" Cheryl asked me. "Iwanttogetoff.Idon'tlikeit."

CLICK. And it was too late. We were off. It was only then, as we slowly rolled through that burning town with the trapped cat that I hyperventilated my hatred towards the ride.  We coasted ever so slowly, closer and closer to the blacked-out never ending hills that evoked such terror to me. I clutched my sisters arm for dear life as we catapulted to or from danger the same three ways once again.  This time, I had so much pent up fear I was visibly shaking (ok, and crying) when we exited this house of horror. My parents were quite confused by my state of distress.

This doesn't normally happen, but I got so carried away with my facial expression pictures, I'm not sure how to end the blog. Um. The End.


Mandy_Fish said...

I felt the same way on that Magic Mountain ride at Disney World. It was a chamber of horrors.

colleen said...

dollywood is the best. and i remember that train ride too - terrifying!