Thursday, April 7, 2011

Food Crime and Punishment

(*Disclosure: If you're a first time reader, bathroom humour is something I do NOT consider to be funny ever, so bare with me here.  I'm going to try to be as proper as possible.)

After kicking ass for a few weeks before the wedding I was feeling super fit. So fit, I felt I could slack on working out and eating right for the nine days Nat and I were in the Outer Banks. I put things in my body I wouldn't dream of consuming all in one week like oreos and french fries. (Don't get me wrong, I know how to splurge, but I splurged ALL week.) We snack on fruits and veggies on a regular basis and speaking of regular, when we got back...let's just say I wasn't.

I was feeling pretty bloated, soft and remorseful about my unhealthy week of eating when we got back from the honeymoon and when I realized that things weren't um,..getting out of my system, I started wondering how far my belly could continue to expand.  (It seems there is no way around doing this post without typing the word "constipation" so let's get that out of the way. Back to the story.)

Not accustomed to such stop-ups, I figured eventually things would work out, but I decided to go for some Campbell's Bean with Bacon soup to help speed things along. That night, while perusing the plethora of book purchase possibilities at Borders, the time to hesitate was through.  Much to my chagrin, I was forced to use their public bathroom.  Approximately half a second too late I realized there was no toilet paper in my stall.  I stared at the empty roll trying to manifest a new one.  I considered the likelihood of someone walking in if I switched stalls before realizing it was my only option anyway.  I bare-assed it into the next stall in perfect shimmy form. Miraculously nothing disastrously embarrassing happened.

The story could end there. Except I felt so much better. I felt lighter! I had so share my ordeal with Nat. The following exchange took place on our car ride home.

Julie: Hey Nat...
Nat: Yeah.
Julie: Have you ever, um, been constipated?
Nat: (looks at me weird.) Yes...why?
Julie: Well, I was. But now I'm not. I had to go in Borders while you were in the military section and I feel so much better and way happier now.
Nat: I could  never do that in a public bathroom.
Julie: I HAD to. I had no choice. The time to hesitate? It was through!!!.....Do you think the romance is dead in our relationship?
Nat: No. We're good. (Makes reference to Cosby Show episode we saw the night prior where Cliff, Martin and Elvin have a romance competition.) ....Now if you told me to come in and look at it, THEN the romance would be dead.
Julie: (in absolute horror!) I would never do that! ...I don't even look at it myself!
Nat: (says nothing.  initiates look that says a thousand words.)
Julie: ...What?


asj said...


just. plain. amazing!

Jess said...

lol awesome. It's ok for a little bathroom humor to make it's way in to your blog from time to time (I don't think this crosses the TMI threshold, we've all been constipated at some point, even if we don't want to admit it!) ha ha :-)

Stephanie Faris said...

Hahahaha. Like you guys, I hate having to do that in public restrooms and only do so if absolutely necessary. I have found that when I mostly eat healthy and decide to splurge, it upsets my stomach. Those Fiber bars are REALLY good for solving that problem. Kellogg's makes some really good ones.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Hahahaha, dude, you are such a delicate lady flower. I love it. You're so adorable. "I don't even look at it!" Hahahahaha! I want to put you in my pocket and take you home.

I better not tell you any of my "stories" then.

Mrs. Tuna said...

Glad the magic isn't gone from your marriage.

The Adorkable Ditz said...

Bahaha you're cute Jules.