Thursday, August 12, 2010

Staplers, Stalkers and Porn, Oh My!

I've left jobs for a variety of traumatizing reasons. In retrospect, I see the humor.

One of my first jobs was working at a pharmacy where I met a lot of great friends but ultimately quit after asking for a raise and receiving the "everybody gets a raise at the same time," speech. I secured a job at the rival sister pharmacy and oh what the scandal it was! The grass was not greener twenty minutes south and in fact far worse.  My last day involved two of my superiors in a screaming match that resulted in stapler throwing.  Like at each others heads.

I found myself a job with potential when I started what would be a six year stint in the mortgage title business.  I met more amazing friends and would eventually move to Annapolis and meet Nat, but before that, I made a crazy decision to work in a newly opened title business in Bethesda.  I never could understand why the attorney never seemed upset if a deal did not close and insisted on inefficient ways.  I acquired a friendly stalker who would walk by my office everyday and eventually began to put notes against the window. It was a little awkward when he got brave and started to visit me inside. Well, particularly the time I was sobbing inside the managers office and he wanted to wait to see if I was OK.  I'm not sure why I never gave him a chance even though rumor had it he lived in the pent house of our building at the ripe age of 23.  I think it had something to do with the fact that he wore plaid in the fashion period after grunge but before last years revival. I recently learned the whole business was a scam for a trust fund owner to fail at something in order to get his money sooner, or something along those lines.

Back at the initial title company and life was good for many years. Until the market crashed and so did our happy little office.  I was going to be out on the street on my fanny like Fran Drescher in the nanny if I didn't do something quick. I secured a gig as the assistant to the Vice President of a mortgage company and boy was I relieved.  For two whole weeks.  That's when my boss became, "Porn on the Printer Guy." Yes, on my tenth day and before my cup of coffee, I was greeted with my boss cheerily asking me if there was anything on the printer as he breezed past my desk and into his office.  What was on the printer? Vagina. NAKED vagina. I frantically crumpled the evidence, (stupid I know) as if to erase the occurrence completely. I'll never know if this was a direct case of sexual harassment or a late night after hours office session he had forgotten about.  Things deteriorated quickly after that.  I became the one he screamed at when credit scores were low and incomes were sparse, but he proudly introduced me to his broker buddies and found reasons to make me parade into his office. Did I mention the affair he'd had with the woman everyone said I looked just like? He asked me to stay when I left, but I hopped on that plane to Savannah, Georgia to meet my bff for some fun and sun without ever looking back.

But I did come back.  A week later to work for a friend I had made at the gym.  There are ups and downs here, but no throwing of office supplies and certainly no early morning porn. We're hoping this story ends with me peacefully moving onto some dream writing, artsy, or otherwise inspiring type job.

9 comments:

Jeff said...

I knew it...look what I am missing by not being in an office. I have had a home office is seems like forever. It was me, a telephone, a computer or a type writer...hahaha...yes I am that old, and a desk. No office politics, no office picnics, no moods to deal with except my own. When I was in the mood to flirt or take someone to lunch i just went up the stairs and accousted my wife :-)

Brittany said...

holy moly! I do not envy your past jobs!

:) I hope you find the perfect job PRONTO!!!!

Eva Gallant said...

Not too many dull moments in your life!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Naked vagina on the printer, lovely. And a bit creepy. I mean if you must look at pictures of naked vaginas why would you print them at WORK then forget they were there? UGH!

We all need to find our ideal jobs I think, pronto. :) Fun and fulfilling, is that too much to ask?

Nicki said...

Wow! Kudos to you for continuing to go out to find more work! I think I would be on a street corner drinking wine out of a paper bag at that point! Hope all goes well for you at this new job!!!

margg. said...

haha, how creepy.
humerous but.

lovely.

Sarah RDH said...

wow. Your work life has been way more exciting than mine! Good luck finding (normal) work!

Rose said...

Boy! what's it with the jobs? they don't seem boring. Rose

Christopher said...

Porn on the printer would be a most excellent name for a blog ;)