Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Night Notes in New York City

There will be pictures and the full story of our New York City trip for Kristen's Bachelorette weekend, but I'm suffering from a vicious summer cold, so for now, here are the Night Notes.

NYC Bachlorette Weekend!!!

Julie: Did you say snatch balls?

Jen: She out-stalked the stalker.

Bri: As long as Jimmy Buffet doesn't die in the next year, it's OK.

Jen: The driver's downstairs?!?! Who's up here?  (Totally my fav quote of the whole weekend.  This is in regard to our double decker bus ride.)

Kristen: You never see a fatty swatty. (While we all agreed none of us are very into men in uniforms, we do love the swat team...and actually maybe firemen, but more on that later.)

Bri: If you hit me one more time, it's on!

Leigh: I think I have a skin tag.

Kristen: No! Everyone tucked in. Don't try to make it better than it was!

Scoping out the luggage for one night and packing our mimos--water bottles.   

Designer $1 jewelry.  I love NYC. 

Monday, August 30, 2010

Haiku Monday

A change of city
and making new friends makes for
an amazing trip.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Sara vs Sammi

So this is weird right?

***Ok, its looking like this post needs some clarification. Mia Sara from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off," and Sammi, from "Jersey Shore" are strikingly similar in appearance...No?***

Monday, August 23, 2010

Haiku Monday

Super duper bonus Haiku Monday coming at you.  This week I'm sharing two unrelated things I've pondered all weekend. What did you guys do?

Having a game plan
makes me realize how much
more is to be done.

Can I get a St.
Bernard dog in a German
Shepherd body size?

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Silent Sunday

Mom and Dad and making their mark. Who knew DIY wallpaper would be such a hit? Dad said this appealed to his sense of fun.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Wordless Wednesday

This is Nat and I narrowly avoiding adopting a puppy this past weekend. Look at that face! (I'm not even sure if I mean Nats or the puppies!)

Share photos on twitter with Twitpic
Share photos on twitter with Twitpic

Monday, August 16, 2010

Haiku Monday

The shiny black and 
white bag from sephora brings
blissful happiness. 

Also, check out my new friend Brittany over at Unexpected Surprises.  I recently started following her blog and she featured me as a spotlight on her blog! (Thank you!)  I can just tell Brittany is full of energy in real life.  Her blogs are funny and she tells us amazingly funny and awkward dating stories among other things, but my favorite part is that she always sounds so positive!  

Friday, August 13, 2010

Rubber Boobs and Jersey Shore

It was all Gym, Tan, Laundry, Shades Indoors, and Rubber Boobs in the hot tub last night on Jersey Shore but I mostly want to discuss the rubber boob part.  I am not a busty girl. I never will be nor do I want to be on a permanent basis.  I will however wear these on occasion.

The ad claims this to be a strapless, silicone bra. It comes in handy not only when wearing strapless shirts to keep our nips under wraps, but it also gives our bust a boost. Like I said, I am happy with my small chest, but occasionally I need a little extra something.  I have been known to stuff my bra with this product. I have even been known to wear more than one bra at a time, but I'm not trying to fool anyone long term.  This type of fake boob is not something you can pass off as being real on a regular basis or really any longer than a few hours at best.  You surely can not wear it on a night when you intend to "smoosh," which brings be to my point.  (I don't think I have a real point actually, but it does bring me to my pointless ramble.)

Last night on Jersey Shore, the boys brought back a couple of "grenades" for some hot tub action.  Not donning swim suits, these lucky girls took their soak in their undies. Before long, one of these rubber boobs was floating in the steamy water. Nice. Classy. The Situation removed his sunglasses briefly to inspect this "chicken cutlet" looking specimen much to the horror of the now lopsided grenade.  Said grenade froze in terror as the boys began a game of toss the tit. (OMG, I hate the "t" word, but it fit so I had to.)  This is not what I would do. (The freeze in terror part.  I actually probably would have taken the other one out and made this into a proper competition somehow.)

Let us start with where she went wrong. (Aside from trying to hook-up with the juiced and hair gelled boys from Jersey Shore of course.)  To begin with,  if you are wearing rubber boobs, you can not get into the hot tub.  If you are too drunk to remember you are wearing rubber boobs, then you are sloppy drunk.  I'm not one to judge as I have been drunk once or twice in my day but I can say I have been in a rubber boob swimming situation while highly inebriated and had the good sense to take them off.  Which brings me to my second point. If you are going to be wearing rubber boobs, you have to OWN them.  There is no hiding this matter. They are not real fakes and you have to take them with a grain of salt and laugh about it.  Please see exhibit A.
That is me.  If you click the photo to enlarge it, you can clearly see my chicken cutlet peeking out. I am OK with this.  Actually, I think this is a riot.  

My advice for anyone on owning her rubber boob bra and avoiding embarrassment in the future? Instead of hiding it, flaunt it.  Make a production of stating you are lacking a swim suit, but luckily, (take bra off here for dramatic effect after making sure all eyes on you) you have the rubber bra so you can modestly take a dip and join the fun anyway.  (We're all just mostly trying to hide our nips anyway right?)

If all else fails, put your sunglasses on. 

(And one last thought.  You can't crash MVP night, Angelina!!!)

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Staplers, Stalkers and Porn, Oh My!

I've left jobs for a variety of traumatizing reasons. In retrospect, I see the humor.

One of my first jobs was working at a pharmacy where I met a lot of great friends but ultimately quit after asking for a raise and receiving the "everybody gets a raise at the same time," speech. I secured a job at the rival sister pharmacy and oh what the scandal it was! The grass was not greener twenty minutes south and in fact far worse.  My last day involved two of my superiors in a screaming match that resulted in stapler throwing.  Like at each others heads.

I found myself a job with potential when I started what would be a six year stint in the mortgage title business.  I met more amazing friends and would eventually move to Annapolis and meet Nat, but before that, I made a crazy decision to work in a newly opened title business in Bethesda.  I never could understand why the attorney never seemed upset if a deal did not close and insisted on inefficient ways.  I acquired a friendly stalker who would walk by my office everyday and eventually began to put notes against the window. It was a little awkward when he got brave and started to visit me inside. Well, particularly the time I was sobbing inside the managers office and he wanted to wait to see if I was OK.  I'm not sure why I never gave him a chance even though rumor had it he lived in the pent house of our building at the ripe age of 23.  I think it had something to do with the fact that he wore plaid in the fashion period after grunge but before last years revival. I recently learned the whole business was a scam for a trust fund owner to fail at something in order to get his money sooner, or something along those lines.

Back at the initial title company and life was good for many years. Until the market crashed and so did our happy little office.  I was going to be out on the street on my fanny like Fran Drescher in the nanny if I didn't do something quick. I secured a gig as the assistant to the Vice President of a mortgage company and boy was I relieved.  For two whole weeks.  That's when my boss became, "Porn on the Printer Guy." Yes, on my tenth day and before my cup of coffee, I was greeted with my boss cheerily asking me if there was anything on the printer as he breezed past my desk and into his office.  What was on the printer? Vagina. NAKED vagina. I frantically crumpled the evidence, (stupid I know) as if to erase the occurrence completely. I'll never know if this was a direct case of sexual harassment or a late night after hours office session he had forgotten about.  Things deteriorated quickly after that.  I became the one he screamed at when credit scores were low and incomes were sparse, but he proudly introduced me to his broker buddies and found reasons to make me parade into his office. Did I mention the affair he'd had with the woman everyone said I looked just like? He asked me to stay when I left, but I hopped on that plane to Savannah, Georgia to meet my bff for some fun and sun without ever looking back.

But I did come back.  A week later to work for a friend I had made at the gym.  There are ups and downs here, but no throwing of office supplies and certainly no early morning porn. We're hoping this story ends with me peacefully moving onto some dream writing, artsy, or otherwise inspiring type job.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Monday, August 9, 2010

On the topic of underwear...

I have a phobia about plain white underwear.  I can NOT wear them.  And it's not what you think.  A while back in the 7th grade I had a pair of stark white undies. They were a little uncomfortable, but they were cute so I wore them anyway.  It was not a pleasant day with all the shifting and wedgie picking on top of the normal insecurities that the 7th grade offers.  Long story short, I somehow made the connection that wearing all white underwear equated to having a bad day. Every time.  I rationally stopped wearing them, and never bought another white pair again.

A couple of years ago, I received a coupon from Victoria's Secret telling me to come on in for my "no purchase necessary pair of free underwear." I was stoked but when I got there they only had white ones left.  I thought maybe I could break the curse but more importantly I couldn't very well explain to the sales lady that I no longer wanted the freebies without coming across like a total nutjob.  I bravely left the store and put those suckers in my drawer for a few weeks, every so often eyeballing them with suspicion. Eventually, I picked a cozy night in with Nat and wore them in the confines on my own house. They looked good. I washed them. With something red. (Don't judge me on my poor laundry habits!) The underwear came out pink.  OBVIOUSLY, the world does not want me to have white underwear!!! This is a clear omen. White underwear do not belong around me.

So WHAT am I going to wear under my wedding dress?  To be honest, I could wear leopard print under there and nobody would be the wiser, but generally speaking it is something to think about. My friend Kristen approached me with this dilemma in regard to her fast approaching nuptials.  Victoria's Secret suggests a super cute white thong embellished with the word "Bride" in pretty rhinestones. But it just kind of seems wrong to wear a thong under ones classy wedding dress, right? Or does it? But I feel you can't wear granny panties either. One thing is for sure and that is that you definitely need a fresh pair of never before worn, karma-free underwear no matter what. Further, it seems to me that brides need help getting into their dresses. So at least some people in addition to the groom are going to know!

Don't even get me started on the extreme terror of the thought of getting pregnant between now and wearing the most important dress of my life.  (Oh, in addition to my desire to NOT procreate ever anyway.)

So my question to you. What did you wear under your wedding dress?

Night Notes at Level

My weekend started on Friday morning having brunch and mimosa's with Mel and April. The rest of the day was spent shopping and lunching before meeting up with April's parents at Yellowfin for dinner.  We had every intention of going out that night but instead sat on my couch in the dark and chatted.  The next day the three of us road-tripped it to St. Mary's County for a wedding they were going to and a birthday party I was attending.  We didn't make it back to Annapolis until 12 am, but we rocked out to some Britney Spears to get us in the party mood.  Kristen had been out with Leigh and Brianne, so we all met up at Level where plenty of Cucumber Collins were consumed and maybe even a few shots.  We all know what happened next.

Night Notes at Level

April: Once upon a time in 1995...
Brianne: I can't focus.
Leigh: That's a good song.
Julie: It's not a bad song.
All: Who's the boss?!?!
Stephen:  I've heard of bumping uglies but not knees.
Random Guy: I have to take care of my dog.
Kristen: I HAVE A REAL DOG!!!

(There may be pictures in the near future to follow. Maybe.)

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Wallpaper Remedy?

A few months ago, I left my sweet, conveniently located downtown Annapolis abode with no parking for a grown up house with a driveway, three bedrooms, proper windows and no squirrels in the walls.  You may have noticed the Night Notes on Napkins have dwindled.  I still know how to party, I just choose to do so less, and it's a risky one mile drive back to the downtown area.

So all is well in the place except for what I can only call a "wallpaper situation."  Take a gander.

Seriously? This is our dining room and whenever we eat in there, I just gaze at the walls in horror.  The landlord won't budge on letting us take in down.  I'm getting dizzy as I type just looking at the pic above.

So I had an idea. I would cover it with white paper! I started the project on a trial basis several weeks ago and couldn't decide if I should go further, or start over with fabric. 

Saturday we decided to catch up with a few good friends.  Kristen and Jud had not been over since we had fully moved in and Katie and I just wanted to hang out.  Nat introduced us to all sorts of new wines and beers and I asked Kristen and Jud for their thoughts on the situation.  Ever the helpful one, Jud suggested we draw on the paper.  It would cover the seams and be fun too! 

Clearly, we've got nothing to lose.  And this is how Night Notes on Napkins became Night Notes on my Dining Room Wall. 

This is probably not the most mature thing we have ever done, but I think you'll agree with me that it is a vast improvement to the wall paper.  Plus, Katie learned the concept of adding "occur" to her vocabulary. I can't really explain how it works, and it really wouldn't translate in a blog so we won't discuss it further.  Just don't ask why the wall says, "mushroom-occur" and "bug-occur." It just does.

The next day Nat and I were short cutting through downtown, and we decided to swing by our old place to see if the slumlord had made any improvements.  Not only was the roof repaired, but there was young couple sitting on OUR porch, drinking OUR BEER!!!  I was crushed! I mean, my graffiti'd dining room is all well and good, but I adored our old place.  I tried to make myself feel better by considering how sweltering I know their loft is.  But mostly, I just want to see what they've done with the place on the inside...and then make them move out of my house!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Haiku Monday, on Tuesday...

Good friends at home on
a Saturday night, equals
no napkins, just walls...

(to be continued...)

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Saying "Hi," to people you don't know

A few weeks ago I was attending a social gathering where several groups of friends were joining for a day of fun.   When I happily arrived with my group, I thought it was slightly odd when I noticed *Marilyn from a distance and she didn't say hello. We were all still unpacking our cars so I figured I'd catch her later.  I don't get to see Marilyn that often because she lives in another state but she's a really sweet girl so I was excited to catch up.  Before long I popped on over to her and gave her pony tail a tug and said "Hey!" (something I can assure you I have never done to anyone in my life, so why I choose this moment in time to be so forwardly friendly, I'll never know.)

As "Marilyn" turned around, I got a better look at her face for the first time and obviously, she was not Marilyn.

"Um, Hi. I'm *Brandy.  I don't believe we've met yet."

(A normal person would have said, "Oh dear me. You are correct. I apologize as I thought you were in fact someone I was previously acquainted with. Please do forgive me for invading your personal space so awkwardly.")

But for some unknown reason, rather than admit my mistake like a normal person,  I said, "Oh. I know. That's why I thought I should introduce myself." (Like seriously? I did NOT think that at all. Um, I carried a watermelon?!?!)  So then she basically ran away which is clearly what I would have done too.

Moments later, I saw the real Marilyn, and did I acknowledge her? No.  I didn't want to make the same mistake twice. I ignored her until her until she came to me and I was positive I wasn't going to make the same mistake again.

And I made sure to avoid fake-Marilyn at all costs for the rest of the day, making the situation even more socially awkward and most certainly leaving her with a feeling I'd been hitting on her and felt rejected.


*Name has been changed