Monday, February 22, 2010

Conversations of a Failed Meditation

I'm not a religious person. I do not strive to be a religious person. Lately, I've found myself on a quest for inner peace and enlightenment. Mel and I were pondering checking out our local meditation and Buddhist center. The website told us we could expect to be led in a meditation followed by Buddhist chat session including a question and answer period. Being the well adapted and open minded person I am, I was excited. I knew I'd be on my way to Zen-ville in no time! I pictured myself all:

Here's how it really went down.

11 a.m. Google Chat Style
Mel: Do you still want to go to Meditation tonight?
Julie: Yeah. I'm taking a boxing class at 4:30. Does it start at 7?
Mel: Yup. How is your day so far?
Julie. FML. I'm going to zen the f#$% out if it kills me.
Mel: HA HA. This is going to be perfect for you.
Julie: Where's the place again? Can you send me the link. I deleted it.
Mel: (sends link)

6:05 p.m. Phone call
Julie: I printed the directions and left them at work. Can you send me the link again?
Mel: (Just tells me how to get there)

6:45 p.m. Phone Call
Julie: Are you here yet? I think I'm at the wrong place. I'm the only car in the lot and there is a sign that is talking about "Quaker Meetings."
Mel: I'm not there yet, but you must be at the wrong place.
Julie: It's the proper address though. I'm pretty sure I'm not into the idea of a Quaker Meeting.
Mel: Maybe it is a joint center now that I think about it.

-Determine this is the correct place as 2 other cars including Mel arrive.
-Nobody gets out of vehicles
-Stare at rain slowly melting enormous piles snow.
-Wonder why the hell Mel isn't getting out of her car yet.

6:54 p.m. Text convo
Mel: Hmmmm. Waiting for someone to get out of their car?
Julie: I was waiting for you!
Mel: This should be interesting
Julie: Should we go in?
Mel: Another car is here!
Julie: False alarm. It's raining harder
Mel: Is this Quaker Turf?

-Discover my new phone will read my text messages out loud to me in a robot lady voice.
-Further discover, "Is this Quaker Turf?" and "Where the hell r u?" (from Newman) are the most funny messages I currently have.
-Watch fellow meditators loiter in dark around front door that appears to be locked.

7:05 Phone Call 
Julie: I think people are going in.
Mel: Ok, let's go in now too.

-Mel finds people in room with a Budda. First good sign of the night.
-Candles are being lit, and tea is being brewed.
-Buddhist poems(?) are handed out
-Everyone sits and looks at each other.

7:20 p.m. Whisper
Mel: I don't think the instructor is coming.

7:20:06 REALLY quiet whisper
Julie: Was Budda a god or a real person?
Mel: I'm not sure. We probably should have done a little more research before we came.
Julie: Text Vicki.
Mel: I don't have my phone.
Julie: I just turned mine off.
(Turn phone back on and hug it close to muffle non-zen technology sounds since the room is silent.)

7:25 p.m  Text
Julie: QUICK! Is Budda a god or a real person?
Vicki: Real persons.
Julie: Thank you! That's what I was hoping!

(Share info with Mel who is also relieved)

Vicki: The original budda was Sidhartha.

(Original?!? Point new text at Mel with concern.)

Mel: She did say persons.
Julie: I thought she was being...urban.

-Giggle nervously until 7:45pm and determine nobody will be arriving to lead our meditation and first Buddist lesson.
-Slowly slip out ever so discretely.
-Laugh at our luck in lobby.
-Arrive home and make homemade hummus.
-Plan to watch Indiana Jones II for some culture. (And because I'm obsessed with that movie.)

Zen and enlightenment will have to wait for another day.

Unrelated, how WRONG does this seem? Sushi Poppers?


Tracie said...

Maybe you should have led the group towards enlightenment.

The sushi poppers are all kinds of wrong. And the dude that's pictured on the far right looks like he is having a little too much fun with that popper.

Sarah RDH said...

That's crap the teacher didn't show. Totally F's with your zen.

Cathy said...

Crap. I wish I hadn't clicked on the sushi poppers link. That's wrong.

Your zen experience is awesome. I especially love that you both sat in your cars separately. the words of time better luck you shall have.

"Julie" said...

omg this is hysterical. reminds me of the time my mom and i decided to try out a new yoga class, only to discover it was yoga for old people, so people farted the whole time and my mom and i were VERY unsuccessful at muffling our HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER.

Eva Gallant said...

Sad that you were unable to reach spiritual enlightenment! Funny post!

Ams said...

Oh my GOD I think I am dying over here... seriously... I haven't laughed so hard reading your play by play it what seems like FOREVER! That's hysterical. And JUST when you were ready to get into this whole Zen business... wow!

And sushi poppers? What are they going to come up with next? haha

buffalodick said...

I think there is a sit-com script in this incident...Funny story!

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh!! I just saw that Sushi Poppers on the Food Network last night! Its kinda strange huh?

Anonymous said...

I actually loled at "text Vicki."

And I was hoping that Sushi Poppers were some horrid Rachael Ray recipe - damn.

Cheryl said...

lol, reminds me so much of some of my own flirtations with the ideas of zen and enlightenment. I still can't get all the way past the idea that i should not be competing with anyone during yoga. You know, you have good practices on some days and not so good practices on other days. Tonight, my body was sooo in balance, and i felt happy, and i was really IN IT, but then when i left, I realized that what i was most happy about was that I "kept up" with the best of them on this occasion, including the super hot, really in shape guy on the mat next me, with the sexy tribal tattoos spiraling around his sweat-glistening bicep...
i wanna sushi popper! it says they should be available by this summer!